Oh, how things have changed. So much. SO much. I don't know...everything is different and so much is the same and it's just a wild mess. And I'm hanging on for dear life because I know it will change even more before I settle down into my skin and sew myself up tight. I submitted my roadie application and I'm very happy about that. I'm hoping and wishing and almost praying that I get this position. I swear to GOD, I have never wanted anything more. EVER. 2 July is when I find out and I'm hoping for good news.

The senior rotary luncheon was yesterday. This is the first of all the final senior events - prom, graduation, project grad...etc. It's so much and it's almost all over and I can't wait. The only thing I'm going to miss is chorus. Seven years of dedication and goddamn, I am a chorus geek. And I love it. And of course, I'll miss my friends. I wish I had been hanging out with Lia, Laurel and Jess more before this year. Especially Laurel. At the beginning of this year, we talked occasionally. Now we barely leave each other's sides. Seriously. We realised that we're pretty much soul sisters and she's the only person in this God-forsaken town that speaks fluent Katie and I'm so grateful for that.

This isn't making sense, none of this. All I have to say is that I have changed so much and for the better, and that my life is changing and that no matter what happens, life is going to be amazing. I'm going to end up moving to Brighton eventually and I'm going to hang out with Matthieu all the time and it's just going to be amazing. Speaking of Matthieu...I love that kid to the moon and back. He gets me and I get him and he knows how to get a laugh out of me when I need it most. And he doesn't have to ask when I need it most - he knows.

I LOVE MY FRIENDS AND I LOVE MY LIFE AND I AM HAPPY AND NO ONE, NO ONE IS GOING TO RUIN IT. I've cut bad people out of my life for good and added good people into it. And right now...it's all just fine. Read More

So...it's been a month, nearly. I don't know. I just haven't felt like posting much since Jimmy's death. That still hasn't hit me properly and I know it won't forever. It just feels so unreal. My thoughts on death are strange. I never know how to get my mind around it. The fact that people can just be here and then be gone...I don't know. It will never make sense to me.

I don't know what to say, honestly. I'm just ready to get out of here. And I'm really hoping that I can get the hell out when I plan to. Wish me luck. I'll need it. Read More

I have spent the entire day trying to figure out how I was going to go about posting this. I have thought all day about what I was going to say and how I was going to get through even typing out every thought that ran through my head. I have shed many tears and even when I thought they were gone, there were plenty more. Please keep in mind that everything that follows this is shallow and underwhelming in comparison to how I am really feeling right now.

This morning, I woke up and Jessi informed me that she had gotten a text from Mari, who had told her that I probably shouldn't read her last tweet, because I would probably break down. Well, I went to look (because once you hear something like that, you can't just ignore it). I found said tweet and the first words out of my mouth were "Oh my God, no. This can't be true." I Googled it because I didn't want to believe it. Who wants to believe something like this? But it was true - James Owen Sullivan, the phenomenal drummer of my favourite band of eight years was dead. They called it natural causes. I called it unfair.

I can never thank Avenged Sevenfold enough for everything they have ever done for me. They have brought me up when I thought I was too far down to ever return to any state of happiness. They have made me ride the entire spectrum of emotions with their music, lyrics, personalities, and crazy antics. They have been there for me when I felt most alone. I don't know how I could ever get the words out even if I tried. And now, if ever I got the opportunity, it would be to four out of five of the members of my favourite band, four out of five of the boys who inspired me to always be my best, to not give a fuck what anyone thought of me, and to spit in the faces of those who tell me I can't. They saved and changed my life.

James...Jimmy...Rev: I will always, always love you. You were hysterically funny, with a disposition that one would associate with a puppy. You had the sweetest personality, an abundance of knowledge that can only come from holding onto some semblance of innocence no matter how old you grew and how big you got. You were wise and smart and a million different kinds of amazing. I will never, ever forget you.

In the coming days, weeks and months, I will cry a lot more. I can't imagine how his wife and family and bandmates feel. I know how I feel and I know it must be a million times worse for them. This death will hit me a million times more and I will remain in denial and I will continue to hope that someone will pinch me and I'll wake up from this.

2009 has been such an awful year when it comes to death. I always think of death in weird ways - to me, it just doesn't seem fathomable that these people are no longer with us, are no longer walking the Earth, are not going to wake up in the morning and get ready to just live their lives forever. And Jimmy...this has hit me the hardest of any death this year or any year. I thought Beatz, Dimebag and Casey were bad, but it is nothing in comparison to how I feel about this. The drummer of my favourite band of eight years? I just can't comprehend it. I don't know how to explain how I am feeling about this. My heart is broken - shattered, more like.

I'll always miss you, Jimmy. I hope to celebrate your life when I finally come to terms with the fact that you aren't living it anymore. Fuck, I miss you so much. With each passing second, I miss you even more.

Come back to me, it's almost easy. Read More

Although I'm hard-pressed to back from a fight,
you'd think that this would end soon,
but it's taking it's time.
Confusion, it is such an all time bad written melody;
of course you'd sing.

There are so many things I want to do and see, and I am scared, but I am ready. You know? I'm ready. I'm ready to get out of here, and I'm ready to do fight to do these things and live vicariously through the artists who created my fantasy worlds. I'm ready, I swear to God, I'm ready.

I need to hear Big Ben chime.
I need to see statues and structures.
I need to run through Venice.
I need to climb the Eiffel tower and touch the Arc de Triomphe.
I need to text and call and write everyone I know from every city.
I need to experience things. I need to.

In a couple years, I will be in college, hopefully in Europe. I will be best friends with spontaneity like I should be, because God knows, I hate routine. I want to read more books than I have ever read, and run my fingers across volumes that my life will not last long enough to read.

I want to have a degree, but it will never be about that. It will be about living. It will be about learning. And I need to learn. I need to. Some university in some city full of hipster girls and boys with accents waits for me, and I will go to meet it. I have hated high school, but I am ready for real learning. And yes, it's about history and art and music and just living and it always will be, but it's about friendships and love and stupid things on sleepless nights. And it always will be.

I want to flop down in the grass and work on ages worth of homework, more homework than two weeks of high school would have afforded me. I want to sleep in the cold of a European December, shivering under my bedsheets in my dorm with a roommate who may hate or love me, but will eventually learn to hate and love me, and then just love me. And we'll be friends for the rest of my life because it's not just my experience or her experience anymore; it's ours.

Every bit of the life that waits to enfold me in open arms is somewhere else. and goddamnit, I am scared. But I am ready. To live, to love, to laugh, to dance, to sing, to write, to read, and in the end, to die happy. Read More

So basically, these two albums are currently driving my existence. This post comes complete with download links, a mini-review and my favourite tracks from each album.



Download ---> brand new eyes

I wasn't sure what I'd think of this album when I first heard it because I have loved Paramore's sound since the beginning and I knew this would be a bit of a departure. But, unlike some idiots who can't stand when a band changes their sound and labels them sellouts for it, I can handle change. What I found in this album was more unbelievable lyrics, unbelievable music and unbelievable vocals from Hayley. She's always been a powerhouse, so it shouldn't have come as a surprise, but holy shit, it did. Basically, Paramore are a bunch of kids who shot to superstardom because of one song that MTV and the radio overplayed (and destroyed for me), but for a bunch of kids, they own it like the adults they're growing into. Every one of their albums has moved me in different ways and their first will always be my favourite, but don't pass this up. I'm giving you a download link...take advantage of it!

Favourite Tracks: Playing God, The Only Exception, Looking Up

Their new video for Brick By Boring Brick. I totally recommend watching it, too. It absolutely amazed me; the most unique idea I've seen in a long time.

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Download ---> The Boy Who Knew Too Much

From the second I heard the song "Billy Brown" in 2006, I was hooked on Mika. First of all, the subject of that song cracked me up and the music was totally my style. Poppy with an almost indignant flare, I was completely into it. When his debut album, Life In Cartoon Motion came out, I grabbed it and listened to it almost nonstop for two weeks. It was almost unbearably good. When I heard he was releasing an new album in 2009, I got excited, but I didn't exactly get my hopes up, because at that point, I didn't think anything could top LICM; boy, was I wrong. The Boy Who Knew Too Much is...wow. I don't even have words for it. It is by far my favourite album of 2009 and I think I fall more in love with it everyday. It's such an easy record to relate to and it's just damn good music. Download it, I'm begging you. You won't hate it, I promise. C'mon. He's a Lebanese bisexual pixie of a boy with the most amazing music that you won't regret listening to. I hope you know how hard it is to pick favourite tracks.

Favourite Tracks: We Are Golden, Blue Eyes, Toy Boy, Dr. John

One of his latest videos, for We Are Golden. This video is basically me in a nutshell; dancing around my room like an idiot to music like this. Watch it, it's lovely! Read More

We are the music makers,
And we are the dreamers of dreams,
Wandering by lone sea-breakers,
And sitting by desolate streams;—
World-losers and world-forsakers,
On whom the pale moon gleams:
Yet we are the movers and shakers
Of the world for ever, it seems.

I don't know why I thought I could do this because I don't think I can. I have this dream, you see; I want to be a roadie for the best organisation to come out of utter tragedy. Invisible Children. Since they waltzed into my life around 2006, I knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to work with them because every time I see the faces of those kids in Northern Uganda that still show hope despite the everyday torture they are put through, it gives me hope that things can change. And oh, how I desperately want to help change them.

It's been a few years now but nothing has changed. I still want to work with them and when I found out about the roadie opportunity, I became utterly enthralled with becoming one. I have always loved travelling and the idea of being in the back of a van with people I don't know but will come to know over a series of days and weeks and months excites me beyond belief. I would love that more than anyone could ever possibly realise.

I have stumbled through high school quite clumsily. I haven't had any highly amazing grades since the fourth grade and as it's my senior year and I'm done with high school in about seven months, I don't expect that to change. I'm struggling and pushing myself harder than I ever have to graduate and it's for one reason: so I can be a roadie. Right now, I don't care about college (though of course, I plan to go) and I don't care about future employers. All I care about is having the opportunity to help those kids and to change someone's life and for that, I need a high school degree.

So...I intend to graduate on time, and I will turn eighteen, but there are more obstacles. I'm supposed to have my license. I don't have to, but it's preferred and it would be nice to have, but it's not going to happen in time. Driver's ed at school is so expensive and I just haven't had the opportunity to do it. It'd be nice to just wait until I'm eighteen and try to pass my test to get my license, but that isn't going to happen either, seeing as by then, it will probably be too late. Even if I were accepted without having gotten my license or permit by then, there's still the money thing.

They ask that at least $1500 be raised for food, etc. but I have no job and have no time to get one - not with as much as I'm struggling just to get by in high school and my university classes. I am stressing out so much and I've pushed myself before, but never this hard. I want this. I need this. And it's not even that I want or need it, it's that I was meant for it. I finally found my purpose and it would absolutely break my heart if I couldn't do it. To be turned down would be one thing, but the possibility of not even being able to apply because there are so many obstacles in my way...that's another. And it's already breaking my heart.

I was meant for this. I'm not just some kid who wants to tour with their favourite band. This is so much bigger than me and I would KILL to be a part of it. And it's killing me that I may not be able to. Read More

I needed to post these somewhere other than my Tumblr. I figured my brand new blog would be the place to do it. Anyway, these are things I've written for/to/about my hero. I have written a lot of things like these and wondered why I am sharing them because they are so deeply personal. But I think that they need to be shared because people still don't understand or still ask me why I love him the way I do. I hope this clears a few things up. If not...well, then I'll be the only person on Earth who knows the extent of my love for him and why. But hey, at least someone will know, right?

- - - - - -



I wish I could tell you that you are the person that makes my entire world keep moving. I wish I could tell you that on the days when I have wondered if gravity would suddenly give up, that I wasn’t worried. I wish I could tell you that if there’s anything that keeps me grounded, it’s you. I wish I could tell you that every lump that grows in my throat these days is born from every ounce of passion that you ever put in to writing those songs that kept and continue to keep my world from falling off its axis. I wish I could tell you about each time you have made me cry or laugh or act silly because of things you have said, written or done. I wish I could tell you every single thing I feel about you because I am so deeply enamoured with your very existence. I wish I could tell you each and every single reason why I am so utterly dedicated to you. I wish I could tell you in any number of words how much I adore you, how much I love you, and how much you mean to me. I wish I could tell you that small words are insufficient and don’t even begin to scratch the surface or make a dent in how I feel. I wish I could tell the exact amount of days that I will cry for or feel empty for when you are gone, but that is unpredictable. I wish that I could tell you how it’s possible for me to love you more and more everyday, how it’s possible for me to surpass the amount of love I have for you every single day, but I don’t have that answer. There are so many things I wish I could tell you, and I may never get the chance. But if I could say one thing to your face, it would be “thank you,” because without you, I would not be here to express any of these feelings right now.

- - -

When it comes to David, I have constantly tried to explain why he is my hero. It all boils down to this:

I will have moments in my life when I am scared; scared to move, scared to breathe, scared to do, scared to think…just scared. My relationships will falter and/or fail, and my heart will feel broken beyond repair. I will wake up feeling mediocre some days and I will be fired from several jobs.

I will disappoint people, including myself and I will want to crawl into a hole and never come out. I will doubt my capabilities and my strength, as well as my sanity. I will have a thousand bad days, I will hate everyone and I’ll feel depressed. There will be many moments where I’ll wonder if I exist for a purpose.

Inevitably, I’ll feel worthless; my kids (if I have any) will tell me they hate me. I’ll fight with my mom tons more times, lose friends, and feel like there is nothing in the world that can bring me back up. But they’re just moments. And there will be good ones, too. Good days to counter the bad.

I’ll take chances and risks and love that I’m alive. My love life will be okay and I’ll feel lighthearted. I will wake up knowing that I’ve made something of my life and myself and I’ll be hired where I wanna work. I’ll make everyone so proud and I’ll feel on top of the world.

I will have weeks where everyday is good, I’ll love the world and know I’m in it to make a difference, and I will. I’ll feel L’Oréal-worth-it, my kids (if I have any) will be the most well-behaved children on Earth and tell me they love me. My mom and I won’t fight for months, I’ll have tons of good, true friends and I’ll appreciate the sun just for shining.

And through all of these good times and bad times, through all of these good and bad days, through every lonely night and lovely morning, he will be there. He may have passed on by that time, but he’ll always be just a play button away. He’ll still be there for me like he has been since I was five. There is peace in that play button, a kind of peace that doesn’t come from anything else. Thank God for his existence, I’d be lost without him. I would be dead without him. Read More

There are these times in my life when I look back on everything that's happened in the past several years and wonder if it all really happened for a reason. It's interesting when something happens to you and all anyone can tell you is "It happened for a reason." I hate that phrase because when those same people who told you in your moment of absolute pain or fear or grief that it happened for a reason have something happen to them, they want you to be upset for them. And you try to, even though all you really want to say is "It happened for a reason. Remember when you said that to me? Does this feel like it happened for a reason?"

The night before my grampy passed away, I was bit restless; pacing my bedroom waiting for a phone call from my mum with the worst of news, typing anxiously my reactions to hearing the phone ring in the first place and my mum saying she had to go up to the hospital, that they had moved him from the nursing home to the ER. I remember falling asleep at one point and when I woke up, calling my mom and asking for any news. And I remember her telling me that he had passed away.

I can't recall everything I felt at that point, but at first, I didn't cry. It came as a shock because my grampy, essentially the strongest man I ever knew, still alive for just over 81 years after smoking his whole life had just died. That was strange. I used to think he was too tough to die, that it was him against the world and goddamnit, the world would always lose. Not on May 17th, though. He lost the fight and we lost him. I remember several people in the days after that telling me it happened for a reason.

It's infinitely interesting how things "happen for a reason" but nobody can ever give you a reason. And if they can, it's never very good, is it? When someone in your life passes away, it's always "I'm sure they're in a better place." I know people mean well, but at the same time, I wish a response like that wasn't so conditioned in people that they just say it. I wish there were more thoughtful responses than that, ones that made sense and made everyone feel better. Maybe I over-analyse things, but it's 2009 and I can't afford not to. If I don't, then I run the risk of misunderstanding and finding myself lost in translation. Clarity is so important because people make mistakes so often as a result of not getting things clarified.

It was startling, the day my grampy died and there was no clarity for me for several weeks after that and I still think that when it comes to grief, there is nothing to clarify. Grief is grief and you can't clarify it with "It happened for a reason." Even if it did, who is going to say "Oh, thank you so much for that, I feel so much better" in their lowest of low moments? Read More

No one else will know that part of me.
I'm still driving away and I'm sorry everyday.
I won't always love these selfish things.
I won't always live.

I have found that I have changed a lot over the past year. I call it change for lack of a better word, because I don't really think these things are changes. I feel as though I've just been hiding a part of myself behind a façade and faking it for people who really don't matter to me. It's sad to say that the people I'm talking about used to be my closest friends and my family, but I can't change them or their opinions of me.

I used to be so scared of what everyone would say. Gradually, I let myself out a little more, starting with my piercings. Just piercings, right? Or rather, instant uproar in my family. Yeah, the comments about them and about me hurt, but what was I to do? Get angry? Cause more drama by talking about how that really felt? No. I couldn't. So I sat there and laughed along with everyone else and let them say those things because what was I really going to do?

I found myself hiding every part of me that was real in exchange for some stupid fictitious version of me so they wouldn't talk anymore. The piercings stayed, but I refused to talk about what music I liked (even though that was all I wanted to talk about, the pure genius of some of the artists I listen to) or anything else of that sort. But they still talked. And finally I learned that no matter what I do, one of them is always going to be around to say "Hey, I don't like what you just did." Well, in the words of my hero, David Bowie, “I don’t care what anybody says, I like doing it and it’s what I shall continue to do.”

So, yes, I have changed a little. I stopped letting people walk all over me and tell me what I should do and what's right for me. These people don't live my life or know my feelings, so why should they be able to dictate my actions as a direct result of these things? They shouldn't, and I am no longer going to let anybody do that. I don't have room in my life for people without the guts to be themselves, and that includes myself.

Finally, I have brought to the forefront of my life every little thing about me that my real friends, the ones that sadly live so far away, love about me. As a result, I am more honest and I have found that honesty is more favourable than lying. I'm done lying to myself and hiding my real self away in the hopes that these people will change. They won't. Some people change and some people don't and these are the people that won't, so I have stopped caring. I disregard each and every one of them who tell me I can't and I won't and I don't because I can and I will and I do. I'm done with being used, done with being hurt and so completely over being told what's best for me by people who are the very definition of 'hypocrite'. I'm just done.

What if I didn't forget passion like you did?
What if I find my purpose first?
What if I fulfill my life's work?
What if you counting on my failure made me live?
Not scared, I know you thought I was shaking fast in
my own two shoes. But these soles
could fight the ocean waves, dirty laundry and World War II.
Finally, I see past my front hands,
not a coward's piss-stained pants.
Thank you for telling me I can't;
without you, I wouldn't be where I am. Read More

I really need a blog that I can try to keep up with along with my Livejournal. Especially since with Blogger, I don't have to worry about those who don't have LJ since my journal over there is hardcore friends-locked. After what happened with that creeper on Nadia's journal, I don't trust a lot of people with that. Anyway, since this is about my billionth blog/journal, online or otherwise, I'm going to try to stay motivated to actually UPDATE this one.

I can't imagine what I'll post, even if it's not on a daily basis. There'll probably be lots of boring things about my mostly boring life, lots of things about David Bowie, Keith Richards and music I listen to, actors I love and my amazing friends. So let's make a deal: I'll try to keep up with this if you can try to keep up with me. I can get a little crazy sometimes. (: Read More