I have spent the entire day trying to figure out how I was going to go about posting this. I have thought all day about what I was going to say and how I was going to get through even typing out every thought that ran through my head. I have shed many tears and even when I thought they were gone, there were plenty more. Please keep in mind that everything that follows this is shallow and underwhelming in comparison to how I am really feeling right now.

This morning, I woke up and Jessi informed me that she had gotten a text from Mari, who had told her that I probably shouldn't read her last tweet, because I would probably break down. Well, I went to look (because once you hear something like that, you can't just ignore it). I found said tweet and the first words out of my mouth were "Oh my God, no. This can't be true." I Googled it because I didn't want to believe it. Who wants to believe something like this? But it was true - James Owen Sullivan, the phenomenal drummer of my favourite band of eight years was dead. They called it natural causes. I called it unfair.

I can never thank Avenged Sevenfold enough for everything they have ever done for me. They have brought me up when I thought I was too far down to ever return to any state of happiness. They have made me ride the entire spectrum of emotions with their music, lyrics, personalities, and crazy antics. They have been there for me when I felt most alone. I don't know how I could ever get the words out even if I tried. And now, if ever I got the opportunity, it would be to four out of five of the members of my favourite band, four out of five of the boys who inspired me to always be my best, to not give a fuck what anyone thought of me, and to spit in the faces of those who tell me I can't. They saved and changed my life.

James...Jimmy...Rev: I will always, always love you. You were hysterically funny, with a disposition that one would associate with a puppy. You had the sweetest personality, an abundance of knowledge that can only come from holding onto some semblance of innocence no matter how old you grew and how big you got. You were wise and smart and a million different kinds of amazing. I will never, ever forget you.

In the coming days, weeks and months, I will cry a lot more. I can't imagine how his wife and family and bandmates feel. I know how I feel and I know it must be a million times worse for them. This death will hit me a million times more and I will remain in denial and I will continue to hope that someone will pinch me and I'll wake up from this.

2009 has been such an awful year when it comes to death. I always think of death in weird ways - to me, it just doesn't seem fathomable that these people are no longer with us, are no longer walking the Earth, are not going to wake up in the morning and get ready to just live their lives forever. And Jimmy...this has hit me the hardest of any death this year or any year. I thought Beatz, Dimebag and Casey were bad, but it is nothing in comparison to how I feel about this. The drummer of my favourite band of eight years? I just can't comprehend it. I don't know how to explain how I am feeling about this. My heart is broken - shattered, more like.

I'll always miss you, Jimmy. I hope to celebrate your life when I finally come to terms with the fact that you aren't living it anymore. Fuck, I miss you so much. With each passing second, I miss you even more.

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