I needed to post these somewhere other than my Tumblr. I figured my brand new blog would be the place to do it. Anyway, these are things I've written for/to/about my hero. I have written a lot of things like these and wondered why I am sharing them because they are so deeply personal. But I think that they need to be shared because people still don't understand or still ask me why I love him the way I do. I hope this clears a few things up. If not...well, then I'll be the only person on Earth who knows the extent of my love for him and why. But hey, at least someone will know, right?

- - - - - -



I wish I could tell you that you are the person that makes my entire world keep moving. I wish I could tell you that on the days when I have wondered if gravity would suddenly give up, that I wasn’t worried. I wish I could tell you that if there’s anything that keeps me grounded, it’s you. I wish I could tell you that every lump that grows in my throat these days is born from every ounce of passion that you ever put in to writing those songs that kept and continue to keep my world from falling off its axis. I wish I could tell you about each time you have made me cry or laugh or act silly because of things you have said, written or done. I wish I could tell you every single thing I feel about you because I am so deeply enamoured with your very existence. I wish I could tell you each and every single reason why I am so utterly dedicated to you. I wish I could tell you in any number of words how much I adore you, how much I love you, and how much you mean to me. I wish I could tell you that small words are insufficient and don’t even begin to scratch the surface or make a dent in how I feel. I wish I could tell the exact amount of days that I will cry for or feel empty for when you are gone, but that is unpredictable. I wish that I could tell you how it’s possible for me to love you more and more everyday, how it’s possible for me to surpass the amount of love I have for you every single day, but I don’t have that answer. There are so many things I wish I could tell you, and I may never get the chance. But if I could say one thing to your face, it would be “thank you,” because without you, I would not be here to express any of these feelings right now.

- - -

When it comes to David, I have constantly tried to explain why he is my hero. It all boils down to this:

I will have moments in my life when I am scared; scared to move, scared to breathe, scared to do, scared to think…just scared. My relationships will falter and/or fail, and my heart will feel broken beyond repair. I will wake up feeling mediocre some days and I will be fired from several jobs.

I will disappoint people, including myself and I will want to crawl into a hole and never come out. I will doubt my capabilities and my strength, as well as my sanity. I will have a thousand bad days, I will hate everyone and I’ll feel depressed. There will be many moments where I’ll wonder if I exist for a purpose.

Inevitably, I’ll feel worthless; my kids (if I have any) will tell me they hate me. I’ll fight with my mom tons more times, lose friends, and feel like there is nothing in the world that can bring me back up. But they’re just moments. And there will be good ones, too. Good days to counter the bad.

I’ll take chances and risks and love that I’m alive. My love life will be okay and I’ll feel lighthearted. I will wake up knowing that I’ve made something of my life and myself and I’ll be hired where I wanna work. I’ll make everyone so proud and I’ll feel on top of the world.

I will have weeks where everyday is good, I’ll love the world and know I’m in it to make a difference, and I will. I’ll feel L’Oréal-worth-it, my kids (if I have any) will be the most well-behaved children on Earth and tell me they love me. My mom and I won’t fight for months, I’ll have tons of good, true friends and I’ll appreciate the sun just for shining.

And through all of these good times and bad times, through all of these good and bad days, through every lonely night and lovely morning, he will be there. He may have passed on by that time, but he’ll always be just a play button away. He’ll still be there for me like he has been since I was five. There is peace in that play button, a kind of peace that doesn’t come from anything else. Thank God for his existence, I’d be lost without him. I would be dead without him. Read More